WHY I STAY

I want to fit . i want to fit and wear snappy clothes and follow the atkins diet and ruh thre km a day and keep myself well groomed and get a normal job and buy fancy stuff and follow my leaders blindly and just nod my head and walk into the meat grinder and with a shiny white smile as my body is crushed into meal for the masses who follow in my footsteps

i want to get married to someone with whom i never disagree and have ´ıntercourse´ wth exactly twice a week with an extra session on my birthday and whenever i get a raise or buy him an expensive gift made by children in sweatshops who i feel especially sorry for when the guy with the white beard comes on the tv and tells me about how much my pennies a day could help them

i want to wear nice pants and have a leather wallet with lots of pockets for credit cards and a plastic fold out section for the pictures of my 2.5 kids .

i want to name my children after relatives whom i secretly dispise and raise them by taking all the precibed steps in all the right books and alinate them after they grow out of my control and begin forming their own opinions and begin to act like i did when i was young and stupid

i want to have a midlife crisis

i want to cheat on my husband and regret every decision i have made since i began making decisions and fall asleep each night under my billion - thread-count nordstrom angel-down comforter fearing the day when i make a mistake and lose every material possesion that i have worked so hard to secure in order to buffer myself from the world around me

i want to be a prozac junkee and have a few heart attacks and live on social security in a retirement village and go to the clubhouse on friday for a potluck and play cards with old women who smell like mold

i want to get shipped - off to a nursing home and shit myself as the docs add tubes and wires to my body in hope of preserving my suffering for as long as humanly possible

i want to die frightened and alone in the middle of the night as nurses attempt to recusitate me with me electrical shocks to the heart filling my veins with synthetic jesus blood .

i want to be burried in a pretty cemetery with a fountain and trees and foothpaths surrounded by family members who tell each other that i accomplished so much


micah